Dienstag, 28. Mai 2013

I'm not dead (yet)!

Wow. Long time, no see.
So, actually I wanted to start out without an intro, just start writing and not mention that I didn't upload any stuff whatsoever for about more than a year (close to one and a half, come to think of) but I realised I cannot do that.
I am apparently not physically (or psychically) able to just cut the crap and come to the point. And I have to use firefox, that bugs the hell outta me because I haven't used it in months and it feels eerily strange.

Anyways, I didn't write for 18 months. I mean it. I did write essays, and postcards and in about eight days I have to hand in my bachelor thesis (that I deleted accidentally today but luckily, there is such a thing as a recycle bin and I could save it, but the five seconds between deleting it and realising the existence of the recycle bin were the worst five seconds of my life) but I didn't write one thing just for the sake of writing. I tried, but it didn't work out, except for some haphazard scribblings that are in no way appropriate for publishing them anywhere (mostly because they reek of self-loathe and general misery) and hey, today seems to be a parenthesis day.
But today, I was finally able to sit down and write, and holy Batman, it does feel good to be back. 
It's not something literary, at least not in the common sense I think, even though you could argue that practically everything ever written is in some way literary, you just have to put it in the right context. I do remember a german poet who just wrote down which football (and I mean THE football, not the American stuff) players played in the team on a certain day, I think he just copied it from a newspaper, and called it a poem. But I'm falling of the metaphorical tracks, so fasten your seatbelts, here comes a load of might-be-some-kind-of-literature-but-maybe-not-because-actually-just-a-normal-blog-entry.
Oh, and I got the idea for the text (or my musings, if you want to say so) when I was listen to Dustin O'Halloran's We move lightly. I put the link here so you can listen to the awesomeness that is the song on your own.


Other people's perceptions and expectations change you. You might not even realise it in the first place, but they change and influence you like every other thing does, too.
There just comes a time when you have a hard time recognising yourself anymore, when it feels like all the expectations and the way people perceive you have altered you in a way you don't want them to. When you are reacting to something not the way you want to, but the way people want you to react.
At that moment, you have to make a choice. You have to choose whether you alter yourself and start to be something you'd rather not be; or whether you call a break and start to reassess the situation until you come up with a solution that satisfies you.

I did that. I stopped the freaking train, stepped outside and thought about what I really wanted to do. It might not have been the wisest choice to do it when I did, and the way I went about it was most definitely not the nicest way possible, but at that moment it felt like the only thing I could do.
It was a 'make it or break it' situation, only the thing breaking was me.
I do not want to be broken. I do not want to loathe myself or what I did, even if I did was wrong.

I don't say it's generally bad to change; change is important. And sometimes you need your friends or family to whack you over the head and tell you that you behave like a complete moron. But there's a difference between changing for the better; or changing because you can only fit in when you bend yourself.
I wasn't happy, and I honestly can't remember much from the last seven or eight months because I was too busy drowning in my own misery to realise anything that was going on around me. I guess I can consider myself lucky that my friends did not just up and went because I went total retard.

Reality is a question of perception, just as life is a perception of your own reality.
Sometimes, you come home and people have changed. They look at you and say "I haven't changed at all" and you look at them and think "In no way is this possible, this is not person you used to be".
 I guess both is right at that instance. Sometimes you change, and you don't realise it yourself; either because it happens gradually and you get used to it, or because you just become a bit more of the person you want to be and think you were always like that. Sometimes you think you have changed, but people don't recognise it, because it is more of an internal change and not one that can be seen clearly from the outside.

I changed, and I'm glad that I did. I lost people on the way, and that still hurts. I lost them because of my own doing, and because of theirs, but the important thing I realised afterwards is this:

I am not a dog that was left behind and waits for its owner to come back. I am not so weak that I am only half a person if others are not with me. You cannot and will not bend me until I break, because I am my own person, and no one can take that from me.


Soooo... that's that. I know, it's not the usual stuff I used to upload, but I'm thinking about changing my blog a bit (after I reanimated it today), maybe also write about music and books and now and then about the chaos that is my life. 
And I'll probably keep writing in English, or at least sometimes write in English, because right now I have difficulties to even speak proper German, no less writing it. 
That's what a bachelor thesis does to you, at least when you're writing it in English. Oh, and it makes you paranoid as hell.
I'm going to mark the entries in some way so it'll be easy to figure out what's what, or I'll just give a little heads up in the title or something, I'll figure that one out when it's time for it.

Until then, take care, be safe, and try to make the best out of what's given to you. 

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